When oul’ Queeny kicks the Golden Bucket…

Day after day we’re sold the fiction  that the Royal Family – and in particular The Queen – is some sort of ever present po faced Demi God. But, you know what….she’s gonna go….

Elizabeth Windsor was born in 1926. Phillip Mountbatten was born in 1921. They’re both going to die, probably within the next decade. There’ll be a clamour for wailing peasants and tearful celebrities on an unprecedented scale. The black ties that BBC reporters carry with them, will be donned as part of  Operation London Bridge .

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Your Revolting Scribe here feels sympathy for any human being who dies, and it’s not a great look to be actively cheering on an Old Persons Death. Ultimately, a rich aristocrat  who I never met, will have be gone and I won’t be in any way upset, but  because I’m human – nor will I be leading a buckfast drinking Conga down the Mall.

But I will be resisting the compulsary sadfacing that is expected of us.

Because schedules will be cleared.  The BBC will drop all comedy ( how dare you LAUGH at a time like this ?). Drippy music will be played even on Radio 1. The message will be clear – an posh old lady dying after a long life of luxury  is a NATIONAL TRAGEDY.

How will this work with other news ? What if Betty pops her clogs on the same day as Brexit ? Or a horrible violent attack elsewhere? Or an hour before the Champions League final? How will the BBC cover differing reactions – Windsor will react in a very different way from the Falls Road Belfast, or Liverpool, or Glasgow….( answer – they won’t ).

[ a slightly odd Vanity Fair video about events]

The establishment knows, an interegnum, is a potentially volatile time. Whilst Republicans will be screamed at to show respect, the machinery of the establishment will kick in, ruthless ensuring  that daring to even discuss the future of the monarchy is a sacriligous scandal.  If we dare to ask if King Charles is really such a Good idea, the Royal Experts ( who already cashed in by signing exclusive deals to be part of Sky News rolling coverage) will declare we’re crass and hateful…

At the EXACT moment, when it’s vital to discuss whether The Monarchy should continue, UK Republicans will be  told to be silent or be labelled callous opportunists.

I hope Republic have a plan for dealing with this, I hope Republican MPs speak up.

But in the age of social media, they can’t just declare that we’re ALL inconsolable  weeping wrecks. We can make our voices heard. We can be visible. We have to say….

Sorry For Your Loss Windsors, But Lets Leave it There….

[ Please share this blog on Facebook, or elsewhere. Win the Revolution comes, you’ll get a free AIR BnB discount voucher for a Night in Balmoral*]

[ *not true. But do share]

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Why I SUPPOSE YOU’D PREFER TONY BLAIR is a stupid thing to say….

Monarchists quickly run out of arguments when confronted with the very reasonable idea of an Elected Head of State.

So it foot stomping petulance they blurt out “Oh so I supposed you’d prefer President Blair ?”

So for clarity…

  • An elected Head of State would be elected – why do you presume your compatriots would all rush vote for a discredited figure like Blair ? Isn’t that a bit insulting ?
  • Whoever chose put themselves forward to be Head of State would face scrutiny and have to account for themselves. There would be justification. ( Emerging from a Windsor Vagina does not require anyone to explain themselves, nor volunteer )
  • Even if this unlikely scenario came to pass – President Blair – I actually WOULD prefer it, because I could campaign against him and argue that he’s not a suitable candidate and hopefully the next time the head of state electionsadolf-hitler-duke-and-duchess-of-windsortook place he would be gone. If Prince Charles confirms his status as a disastrous ol’ clown, there’s no real way his ‘subjects’ can hold him to account. Bear in mind that Edward was due to be King, and he was an Nazi Sympathiser. Only an American divorcee and his abdication saved the UK from a fascist leaning Head of State.
  • Finally look at our neighbours Ireland, they’ve had a good run of Presidents in recent years, who’ve stood up for the people, and occasionally offered guidance during national debates.

When you get into a discussion with a puce face monarchist, it’s worth sending them to this blog post when they bust out the PRESIDENT BLAIR idiocy.

Republic have a good site – Monarchy Myth Buster

And if you want to speculate about who COULD be President of the United Kingdom, here’s a little democratic pie I prepared earlier….

The Royal Family, Spitfire Crywanking and Brexit…

The Royal Family embody an unpleasant  jingoistic strain of Britishness – entitled,  posh, and greeted with unquestioning deference everywhere they go.

They are all about inherited wealth, about never explaining their actions, about  Union jacks, military, hunting, public school.  They are about rigid hierarchy and unquestioned privilege. When purple faced idiots harrumph that The Royal Family Is All About  Tradition – we should say well  lets examine the toxic  traditions they embody…

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And in that grumpy visage of the queen, the tabloids and MPs seem to take pride in an arrogant notion that there is no requirement for the ruling class to explain, justify or listen.

They are presented as ‘The Best of British’  and this in turn infects British culture ( and in more recent times, that would be more specifically English culture ) with a bovine, entrenched certainty and a nostalgia for an glorified past where everyone knew their place under the royal family.

I call it – Spitfire Crywanking. The culture that weeps and simultaneously gets shamefully turned on by spitfires, royalty and  the empire. Yet the same culture wallows in self pity – curdling to bitterness-  because the rest of the world refuses to be impressed by such a mouldy reactionary world view.

In Fintan O’Toole’s book on Brexit, he argues that Britain never got over winning the war – that Britain triumphed but the spoils went elsewhere. Germany, Italy, Japan had to reinvent themselves, to get rid of old archaic nationalistic symbols, like, Royal Families.

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But UK still has its dreary, dense Windors. The BBC dredges up some an tedious item about Spitfires every 4 days. The Royal Variety show is tugging its forelock as I type this.

And ultimately, after festering in the  culture of Spitfire Crywanking for years, Britain is going to huffs its way out of Europe.  The Royal Family didn’t cause Brexit, but they are part of the right wing horseshit in which such regressive thinking blooms.

The rightwing culture  we are steeped in dares not name itself. But you heard it here first SpitFireCrywanking.  Reject it. Reject the Royals.

 

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Scotland versus the Royal family

 

The royal family, should more accurately be called The London Royal Family. They never really leave their palaces in the exclusive parts of  London.

The (very dubious)  argument that they Are Good For Tourism should really read The Are Good For Tourism in Very Wealthy Parts of London.

There are however,  transparently patronising attempts to win favour with the ‘regions’ of their kingdom….

The Prince of Wales ( lives  in London )

The Duke of Edinburgh ( lives in London )

The Duchess of York ( lives in London )

not to mention the newly anointed…

Earl and Duchess of Dumbarton ( 175 Dumbarton Main Street – NAW !…only kidding. London. )

It’s a feeble distraction tactic by those who hold power. Could Duchess Meghan tell you a single fact about daily life in Dumbarton ?

But it is Scotland that’s most proving difficult for the PR spinners of the royal family. Because –  despite being forced to stump up £35m a year  – most Scots are not enchanted by the forelock tugging crap any more.

Rebellious Scots to Crush ( this is the 6th verse of God Save the Queen)

Some of our pals in England may wonder if Anti-Royal sentiment in Scotland is a symptom of a wider Anti-English feeling ?  Nope, not the case – for most Independently minded Scots, the idea of Independence is motivated by democratic self respect ( is Scotland a country? Yes it is. Should the people of a country have the right to elect their own government ? Yes they should. See ? ), and to mischaracterise it as Anti-English is like Gammon Gavin the golf club moron braying that Feminism Is Just An Excuse to HATE MEN.

People in Scotland (including many of the English people who live here)  want independence as a means to change society for the better.

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That week in the marines where Edward won all those medals. And his kilt.

And whilst the SNP leadership characterise an Independent Scotland as retaining the Monarchy, it’s fig leaf-  essentially trying to keep an older, more shortbread strain of Scottish electorate on board. Even campaigners for Scottish Independence don’t want to make Monarchy a foreground issue, because, why frighten off the hesitant pensioners and Sunday Post readers ?

But there’s very little love for the royal family in Scotland.

 

There was just ONE party in the entire country for Harry & Meghan’s wedding. There was no bunting for any of the royal weddings recently.  When a brand new edfd3e6a2ffb48b690140ed589e16280--scottish-independence-princeGlasgow Hospital was named after the queen, over 16,000 people signed a petition to object ( wrote about it here  ). The Scotland fans sang ‘Oh I’d rather have a Panda Than A Prince.” Only 41% of Scots are supportive.

So what can the Royal Family do ? Prince Charles regularly dreary’s himself up in a kilt and writes crappy tales about Lochnigar, but the effect is patronising, rather than ingratiating. It reminds Scots of The Laird, the Hunting Shooting and Fishing class who own Scotland with the result that  the landscape  is deserted so that they can gammon together and shoot things.

Central to all this is Balmoral. The Aberdeenshire castle has always been a key part of the Royals Love Scotland narrative.  When the royals stay at Balmoral, a piper plays outside every morning to wake them. So you know, they’re in touch with what life is like for people in Glasgow. In fact, the very romanticised, pantomime image of Scotland that Queen Victoria confected -has held Scotland back for years. We bought the Balmoralification of our culture, but not any more.

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Enchanting picture of the Queen at learning Bal-morality as a kid

The Firm also have an oncoming generational problem – do we really think that Harry and William will want to spend every wet September in rural Aberdeenshire ? I very much doubt it. An attempt to win favour was made by sending Prince William to St Andrews – and this is emphasised on every occasion – but St Andrews is hardly typical of Scottish life. Anyway, he didn’t like it.

And most significantly of all, the Queen politically interfered in the most important democratic event in Scotland’s modern history. The one rule of being a ceremonial monarch is don’t abuse your position.

She abused her position. Remember that.

None of this is tangible in the Relentless Grovel Fest that passes for royal journalism, but it’s happening on the ground. We’re on the road to a Scottish Republic ! ( but shhh…don’t tell anyone )

Everyone, across the UK, is welcome to my 2025 Balmoral Scotland Republic Party ( hopefully in the next 5 years ). We’ll put on Prince Charles’s old kilts and drink malt whisky and rifle through the attic searching for Seig Heil pictures.

Everyday is Royal Propaganda Day in the Media. But NOW you’re gonna RT this or Facebookise it or be Luke Skywalker engaging with The Force for the first time.

Share please & follow @unroyalreporter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Royal Wedding Disruption Tool kit.

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On Saturday, two wealthy people I’ve never met get married.  I hope they’re happy with one another and enjoy their Swan Cake. Hope a fight breaks out and Uncle Andrew doesn’t paw any vulnerable teenagers who’ve flown over on private jets.

It’s hard being a UK republican and fighting against feudalism when all it’s bling is blazing. We’re cast as th Ancient Mariner, cornering the wedding guests – And till my ghastly tale is told / this heart within me burns

However, the entire circus will be used to ram monarchy down our throats,   cementing  the idea that we all love the upper classes, that we are all in awe of gold tiaras, that we all adore gazing up at the gammon and tugging our forelock…

It’s blatantly political, and should be resisted.

So here’s some online ammo

HASHTAGS: I can’t figure out a catchy one yet – #meh, #feudalnotfairytale,  #breadnotcircuses #notwatching and of course #Republicnow. Tweet me more suggestions. Using the nauseating #royalwedding hashtag is encouraged to get out of our bubbles.

Here’s a link to the £32m COST

( also worth pointing this out when the inevitable retort comes that these events pay from themselves that…they don’t )

The homeless moved of the streets. I can’t think of a more apt and embarassing metaphor. Get out of the way Real Poor. We’re going to shove you  and your unsightly poverty out of the way and replace you with Useful Idiots who’ll cheer for the very system that oppresses.  It’s like something from Oscar Wilde’s The Happy Prince.

BBC coverage – here’s some embarrassing BBC coverage from previous royal events where the presenter hoots with laughter at the queens racism. Imagine David Jason had told that story about a darts player or someone. There would have been stony silence.

The tourist nonsense – easily rebutted on the excellent Republic Win the Argument site.

The Yougov poll that found 66% of us were not interested in Royal Wedding

Please tweet and Facebook. The BBC and media are determined to only feature obsequeious. By ignoring a very valid political objection, they are insulting us. I’ll be off watching Celtic.

And every time they say ‘The Nation has royal fever’ or ‘everyone is excited’ etc  – they count us ALL as dribbling monarchists. Be insulted. Be noisy. Be Funny. Be daft. Be smart

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Reasons to be cheerful

Making the case against the Monarchy often  feels like pissing into royal wind. Because, to my astonishment, most people have an (unexamined) sentimental attachment to this feudal circus.

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Not weirdos

Even obvious royal disasters like the queen interfering in the Scottish referendum or when the Windsors  could barely manage to squeeze out a tear between them  when poor oul Princess-Of-Hearts-England’s Rose In the Wind died…these awkward historical facts are hastily glossed over. Or sympathetically re-imagined featuring Helen Mirren.

Forlocks are tugged. Grovelling returns.

So for the rebel alliance, it often feels like things will never change – and indeed that is the point of the whole charade  – for us plebs gaze at the palaces with half wit wonder and understand that They are  immovable –  THE ROCK OF MONARCHY on which the glorious UK caste system is constructed.

But then, things never change until they do.

So here’s a couple of republican reasons to be cheerful…

They try to pretend that Queeny is  a near deity like in her existence,  but she’s human. And she’s going to the Great Royal Enclosure in the sky soon enought  (and please, be prepared for an orgy of orchestrated sad face ). And whilst I won’t cheer the death of another person,  nor will I feel any sense of loss.Nor should you. You don’t know her either.

Which brings us to the First republican reason to be cheerful – that Charles is next in line, and he is clearly a pitiful ol’ toff with a head full of broken biscuits.

Please feel free to exercise your Republican Anti-Charles muscles here. He’s an unsympathetic character, he’s clumsy, he’s dull.

The second  reason is that Harry Windsor’s said something genuinely intriguing –  that not one of the Unremarkable Windsor Family actually wants to wear the crown, and that he nearly ran away from the circus.

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Amazing. A FREE MAGIC DINOSAUR EGG!

This is not as satisfying a finale as you and I doing wheelies  round the palace corridors whilst raiding the wine cellars, but we would accept their surrender.

Monarchy is  a form of child abuse – not as some of the rumour-mongers would have it – but as in, being a royal kid is being brought up as a freak, with no options, no real freedom to grow, and surrounded by flunkeys.  12 year old Harry was forced to stiff upper lip behind his mother’s coffin. C’mon, that’s pretty traumatising. (Interesting that Chazza never even got a ‘thanks Dad’ in same interview)

And thirdly,  the role of the right wing media is declining.  For years the monarchy has  received relentlessly fawning coverage in the newspapers. But who, under the age of 30, buys a newspaper? Social media is doesn’t do pull out souvenir specials.

And there’s only so many hammy Ant’n’Dec specials the royals can do.

So make your voice heard – tweet, facebook, declare yourself a republican. The only other option is to behave as if we already are a republic. When no-one watches royal specials, when no-one turns up at visits, then they’re already gone….

And finally….a self declared, proud republican very nearly became PM.  Fancy that !

And to continue our rebellion …you could….y’know….share a link to this blog on Facebook or Tweeter ?

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Ready for the revolution compadres.

 

 

 

 

 

A Modest Proposal: Use the NHS

We’re constantly told by the Ruling Classes that The Royals Represent Us.

As I’ve venom-ed elsewhere, this is risible regal guff.

In a world full of slobbering sycophants and relentless royal fawnery – I  don’t like to help the Windsor family  with their PR at all….but whilst we wait for that guillotine bought on ebay,  I have a modest suggestions.

Get one’s royal arse to the NHS.

Bizarrely, at the opening of each new NHS hospital, the royal family turn up, awkward and blazered.  They pull a wee rope, try to hide how bored they are, patronise the staff, nod at some equipment, then 45 minutes later hop into their luxury cars and get rushed back to one of their many palaces ( this is what the papers call ‘hard working royals’ ). In some respects, it’d be more appropriate if they turned up to close NHS wards given the drain on the national finances….

Well know sex trafficker and boor Prince Andrew declares he'd like to leave now

Well know sex trafficker and boor Prince Andrew declares he’d like to leave now

But when Das Windsor get the golden trots, or need their heir pulled, or get their piles fixed, they don’t trust the NHS. Even though – scandalously – they only have an NHS surgery which no one else can use in Buckingham Palace. And they interfere and try to make the NHS spunk money on their uninformed idiotic ideas. Anyway when they get the lurgy,  all their faux NHS interest and bland nodding disappears, and like a rat up a golden-drainpipe, they scuttle off to some expensive private hospital. The press rarely draw any attention to this.

samp165089eef46cf7c1Imagine how good it would be if the headline was “Toff Tot: Kate snubs NHS again”?

Of course monarchists will waffle on about security and a load of other bollocks to justify their snooty preferences. Just think of the positive endorsement it would give the NHS. It would show solidarity with the people. It would reveal to the world how good the NHS is. It would show commitment to something that we all use.

But the monarchy is steeped in snobbery, and they won’t. And even if they did it’d be tokenistic.

But amidst the impending royal-baby idiocy that most of us aren’t even interested in, it’s good to at least draw attention to the fact that, feudal sprogs emerge from magic windsor vaginas ( you wanna be head of state? You didn’t fall from a Windsor Womb ? Fugedabout it )  in private hospitals that cost £6k a night.

To them, NHS staff are from the wrong caste.

Everyday, every newspaper churns out royal praise and platitudes. Please tweet or share this blog on Facebook as a Tiny Act Of Resistance.

 

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