Despite my punk republicanism, I’m not a big fan of criticising the royal kiddies. They’re children. They DID NOT have a choice.
Wee George, Charlotte, Louis and now Archie Parchie are blameless infants. But, due to the Monarchy, these kids fate is sealed..
Royal children are there to be scrutinised, judged, photographed, ridiculed, venerated, manipulated and intruded upon from the moment they are born until the moment they die (and beyond).
Their nursery teacher curtseys to them. Their schoolmates will whisper about them. They need security – think about that for a second – a little kid, due to being a symbol of UK, is inadvertently a target for terrorism. How can that ever be ok?
As teenagers, they smoke a joint and the world knows about it. Any potential schoolboy crush will be vetted by the security services. Paul Burrell was dispatched to the newsagent to buy Razzle when William and Harry were adolescents. Royal kids can’t aspire to any sort of normal life.
Monarchy turns these kids into freaks.
And the people who created these conditions are the Royal family and the fans of royalty, who insist they have the right to intrude on a childs privacy. The stroppy Media Boo-Hoo-ing that went on about Archie’s christening is instructive. You’ve been born on stage wee man, and the Royalists DEMAND the right to coo and bubble over you.
Harry and William know all about this freakish life. With stiff, inhumane theatricality, they were made to walk behind their mothers coffin in front of millions. They’ve said it was torture, that people were grabbing at them.
So Royal boyos & their partners, here’s the thing.
Take your kids away. Don’t pass this curse onto your own children. You are very rich, very connected. Go live in a ranch in Africa, or California. It’s too late for you two – you’ll be in the public eye no matter what – but go now, and your kids stand a chance. And their kids might even be anonymous toffs.
I want rid of the monarchy for moral and political reasons, but fucks sake, monarchy is a brutal and cruel thing to inflict on your kid.
Please share on Facebook or Twitter or cut this out and drop leaflets from the sky .( But Facebook is better.)
Meghan is utterly eclipsing the rest of the whingey Windsors.
She’s smart. She is undeniably beautiful, she is mixed race, she is a feminist, she has a natural warmth compared to the frigid awkward one note Royal Family..
Ridiculously, one of the reasons that people are mesmerised by Meghan is that she can speak with some charm and humour. She can handle fame. She knows how to do an interview. The job of the royal family is to be smile, feign interest in ordinary people. and play up for the media.
Meghan exposes how utterly pathetic Harry, Kate, William, Charles, the Queen et al are at these fundamental aspects of their job. Think about Prince Charles and his hesitant mumbling whinges, his charisma bypass. Think of shy William blazering and balding around nodding earnestly. Watch as Harry almost shrinks when interviewed alongside his fiance…
Meghan is disruptive, albeit not on purpose.
Sycophantic royal reporters argue that she’s ‘modernising’ the Monarchy.’
No, she’s not. Her presences is exposing how drab and bad at they are at their job. Wags have dubbed the British Monarchy Celebrity Feudalism. Meghan is now the star turn. And if she is better at being a royal than the royals are….well…why don’t we follow this through and just get a load of attractive celebrities to be our figureheads ? The Netflix Crown is so much more entertaining than the British Crown. Lets just CAST them.
And recently a very nasty, reactionary tone to some of the reporting – as if HOW VERY DARE SHE COME ALONG AND BE SMARTER, BETTER LOOKING, AND BETTER AT CHARMING PEOPLE THAN OUR ENGLAND’S ROYAL FAMILY.
Does anyone think she’ll still be here in a decade ? My objection to monarchy is primarily political, so I don’t wish unhappiness on anyone – but unlike Stepford Royal Wives – Meghan has history – a glam career in LA, with luxury friends and freedom. She’s lived a bit. She’s not a mute.
For now she’s imprisoned in a world of uptight Brits and stilted palace protocol. Obsessives watching her every move. But for the rest of her days ? Really. ? Draughty Balmoral in Aberdeenshire in 2022 ? Nope, she’ll go back to California sooner or later, and will long to see the back of the hunting, polo and public school dullard set. Maybe Harry will go with her.
So where’s the republican vitriol you’re asking ?
Of course, to anyone over 7, the whole idea of a Princess is preposterous, and a feminist Princess is an oxymoron. The ridiculous titles – I believe she’s the Duchess of Dumbarton ( here poor people, have some celebrity crumbs ) and the ostentatious wealth, clothes, wardrobe leave a bad taste. But try as I might I can’t resent Meghan the way I loathe the rest of the Windsors. In the same way that I don’t resent American tourists for being curious about royalty ( c’mon, tourism is about gawping at local oddities) but will happily mock British monarchists.
So to conclude….when the Palace burns and the royals are being forced out at the end of a pitchfork, I might get a wee selfy with Meghan – just before I lock the gates.
Our media is filled with relentless royal sycophancy. Please Facebook-asize and Tweet And Do your Shit.
Making the case against the Monarchy often feels like pissing into royal wind. Because, to my astonishment, most people have an (unexamined) sentimental attachment to this feudal circus.
Even obvious royal disasters like the queen interfering in the Scottish referendum or when the Windsors could barely manage to squeeze out a tear between them when poor oul Princess-Of-Hearts-England’s Rose In the Wind died…these awkward historical facts are hastily glossed over. Or sympathetically re-imagined featuring Helen Mirren.
Forlocks are tugged. Grovelling returns.
So for the rebel alliance, it often feels like things will never change – and indeed that is the point of the whole charade – for us plebs gaze at the palaces with half wit wonder and understand that They are immovable – THE ROCK OF MONARCHY on which the glorious UK caste system is constructed.
But then, things never change until they do.
So here’s a couple of republican reasons to be cheerful…
They try to pretend that Queeny is a near deity like in her existence, but she’s human. And she’s going to the Great Royal Enclosure in the sky soon enought (and please, be prepared for an orgy of orchestrated sad face ). And whilst I won’t cheer the death of another person, nor will I feel any sense of loss.Nor should you. You don’t know her either.
Which brings us to the First republican reason to be cheerful – that Charles is next in line, and he is clearly a pitiful ol’ toff with a head full of broken biscuits.
Please feel free to exercise your Republican Anti-Charles muscles here. He’s an unsympathetic character, he’s clumsy, he’s dull.
The second reason is that Harry Windsor’s said something genuinely intriguing – that not one of the Unremarkable Windsor Family actually wants to wear the crown, and that he nearly ran away from the circus.
Amazing. A FREE MAGIC DINOSAUR EGG!
This is not as satisfying a finale as you and I doing wheelies round the palace corridors whilst raiding the wine cellars, but we would accept their surrender.
Monarchy is a form of child abuse – not as some of the rumour-mongers would have it – but as in, being a royal kid is being brought up as a freak, with no options, no real freedom to grow, and surrounded by flunkeys. 12 year old Harry was forced to stiff upper lip behind his mother’s coffin. C’mon, that’s pretty traumatising. (Interesting that Chazza never even got a ‘thanks Dad’ in same interview)
And thirdly, the role of the right wing media is declining. For years the monarchy has received relentlessly fawning coverage in the newspapers. But who, under the age of 30, buys a newspaper? Social media is doesn’t do pull out souvenir specials.
And there’s only so many hammy Ant’n’Dec specials the royals can do.
So make your voice heard – tweet, facebook, declare yourself a republican. The only other option is to behave as if we already are a republic. When no-one watches royal specials, when no-one turns up at visits, then they’re already gone….
And finally….a self declared, proud republican very nearly became PM. Fancy that !
And to continue our rebellion …you could….y’know….share a link to this blog on Facebook or Tweeter ?
The royals jobs description should be – Be a groomed toff, shake hands, smile and mute your thicko opinions. Some can do this ( *bows obscenely to Stepford Royal Wife Kate* ), some can’t.
Despite this imbecilic formula – on an almost weekly basis they say something stupid, insensitive, offensive or utterly inappropriate. A pliant press fall over themselves to excuse their idiocy as ‘A Gaffe’ – as if, we should enjoy an Only Human moment of informality in the Buttock Tightened world of Royal Protocol.
Lets not call them ‘gaffes’. Lets call it Being Shit At Their Job
Racist, crass, embarassing and thick. Even his own son called him a bully.
The kid said afterwards “‘The other people were laughing but I didn’t find it a very good joke because I am sensitive about my weight. I felt like crying but I had to keep a strong face.”.
Poor wee Strong Face. PRINCE PHILLIP YOU’RE SHIT AT YOUR JOB.
Man of the (rich) people
2. Prince Andrew a Diplomatic Disaster: He turns up at Lockerbie and tells a grieving community that ‘it was much worse for the americans’. His best pals include a paedosadist ( see my vitriolic blog post Barely Regal ) and Gaddafi’s son. His marriage was an embarassment, ( 500k ? To be instroduced to Prince Andrew ? WHAT ? ) there’s the highly dubious sale of his crass crappy house and the American government is laughing at his sheer stupidity as revealed in Wikileaks. He’s an arrogant talentless clown, and possibly a criminal. He was sacked from his role, but mummy slapped another medal on him and he’s still wheeled out as if he’s working for the UK. Oh, and in case you’re all sadface for unemployed Andy, this minger just spunked £13m on a ski chalet. Love the royals ? Then you Love His Pudgy Face and Want To Kiss Him with his dirty big venison breath tongue in yours. PRINCE ANDREW IS SHIT AT HIS JOB ( & should be questioned by the cops )
Actually, Anne, I’ll just have tea & a biscuit
3. Prince Anne – Let Them Eat Horses – this is just one of those bizarre things posh people say. And it was pronounced at a moment when cheap horse meat had been found in poor peoples food, it was insulting .I mean, Anne doesn’t say much, so it was bizarre that this equine-a-holic blurted out that we should be eating Black Beauty. “If it doesn’t fart or eat hay she isn’t interested” said Prince Phillip ( ok, Revolters, we can admit that’s quite funny from the oul’ goat). PRINCESS ANNE – YOU’RE ACTUALLY OK AT BEING A MUTE TOFF BUT YOUR SHIT AT DINNER ADVICE.
4. I’m not racist, I even pretend to be a half caste – Princess Michael of Kent once opined. This was defending herself after barking at black people in New York restaurant to ‘go back to the colonies’. Of course toffs being racist is indulged and overlooked in a way it would never be for ordinary folk. But even at that …Princess Michael of Kent is a Royal Idiot amongst Royal Idiots. When trying to defend Prince Harry after nazi-gate ( Nazi Gate part I) she said ‘most of the English believe the wogs begin at Calais’. She said public breast feeding was a ‘dreadful practice’ and adding that she didn’t breastfeed because ‘my nanny said it was disgusting’. This horrible ol’ trout may be a fringe royal but she is still patron of many charities and we’re supposed to tug the forelock to her…PRINCESS MICHAEL OF KENT, YOU’RE SHIT AT YOUR JOB.
5. Prince William – Lets Mock the Poorest Having attended Eton ( poshest of posh), then St Andrews ( strategically forced to go to Scotland – think about it – to attend posh university ), then Sandringham ( posh army thing ) Prince
Nastyness in the Heir
William and his posh officer mates dressed up as…. Britain’s poorest people ! What snobs call ‘a chav’. Hilarious ! Imagine being poor ! We will mock them for not having any of the opportunities and privileges we take for granted ! Ha Ha they wear cheap jewellery not the Crown Jewels ! And William even brandished a baseball bat – yeah that’s right, the poor are feral savages with violent tendencies…He’s NOT EVEN POOR, in fact he’s going to be the fuckin’ King ! What a LAUGH ! Geddit ? PRINCE WILLIAM – SHIT AT YOUR JOB.
Of course they don’t have to be good at their jobs. You and I can’t have their jobs. No one can. Your children can’t have Prince George’s job. In fact, Prince George can’t even have another job.
KNOW YOUR PLACE – either suck right up to those Windsors… or actively tell them where to shove it…
As ever, be a revolting dude or a revolting duderino and share via Facebook or Twitter. We’re up against relentless royal propaganda at all times.
Sharing this makes you like social media version of Che Guevara. And one retweeter will get a free motorbike!*
I sort of understand if you’re a daft tourist visiting Britain, and you want to gawp at the weirdo freakazoid Brit monarchy (though of course the whole Good For Tourism thing is somewhat mythical ). But many smart, politically aware UK citizens Who-Should-Know-Better go slightly soft in the head when it comes to the Windsor Family.
So I’ve prepared a little diagnostic test to solidify your royal love….
1) Do you think snobbery – real and symbolic – should be celebrated ?
Despite the countless – gor blimey Prince ‘Arry’s just One of the Ladstype coverage- The Monarchy is Built on Snobbery. The premise of the royal family is that these dullard poshos are inherently finer than anyone else, and therefore we must all bow, curtsey and call them Your Highness.
If you think ‘oh-mate-piss-off-with-that’ then… don’t indulge the monarchy.
2) Do you like that our ‘ideal family’ kill animals for Toff Fun? Hilariously, the queen is the patron of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty To Animals – this Fig Leaf is a classic case of Who’s-Getting-The-Endorsement here ? Because the queen, her husband, her sons, her grandsons love nothing more than killing animals with other florid faced hooray henrys. Prince Phillip ( patron, World Wildlife Fund ) is particularly unrepentant – loving blasting the fuck out of anything that moves, including a couple of tigers ( and don’t give me the That Was Then argument, it was hugely controversial even at the time). And Prince Charles – after a life of pampered luxury at our expense – threatened to leave Britain if democratically elected government banned fox hunting….still waiting Chuck….
By the way, that stupid scene in “The Queen” where Helen Mirren doesn’t shoot the deer ? HA ! Royals love shooting animals and show no compassion, the old royal dear would have blasted the poor Scottish deer and drank diana’s blood from it’s antlers. Or run it over in a tunnel with a white Fiat.
3) Do you approve of the Old Boys network ?
Prince Charles got into Cambridge University. His grades ? Oh, after an expensive education and every advantage in life, he got 2 A-levels a B and a C. Prince Edward too attended Cambridge with…a C and two D’s. Throughout life, these lazy thicko clowns cheat and are helped to avoid exposing their lack of talent. Obstacles are removed and meritocracy is trampled . Your friends, your children and you will not be allowed such leeway. And to make matters worse….patronage is alive and well, and they endorse other toffs..…
That’s right. That BBC article claims the Palace endorsed David Cameron. And we’re all laughing our way to the foodbank.
4) Do you like rich lazy people who can never ever lose their job ?
When the royals turn up to open some NHS hospital they’ll never attend, the BBC, the papers and the monarchists bore on about how amazingly hardworking they are ( yeah, forget the nurses / firemen etc, praise the toffs). But think about it – typically, a royal engagement takes about 45 minutes. They Rolls Royce up, they are fawned over, they shake hands, they look bored. Then, they are whisked off again. That, is what the royal press calls ‘hard work’. They can sometimes manage 2 or 3 of these dullard appointments a day, and therefore at the end of the year proclaim how many Engagements they took on.
Prince William – after leaving the RAF ( early, costing taxpayer money)
worked only the equivalent of 46 days in a year. This was only revealed due to excellent work by Republic ( join here ). Poor William, his hard graft included two trips to the cinema, 14 to a show, sports event or theme park, 21 parties, 10 a dinners, 2 Church services. My heart bleeds….
Nice work if you can get it. ( But you can’t. Unless you emerge from a magic Windsor vagina.)
On the other hand when they sit on their arse being tended to by a litany of butlers and servants, nobody complains. Or reports.
5) Do you think rich aristocrats should be allowed to abuse public funds ?
You, like me, aren’t exactly enthralled with The Monarchy. You’re trying to please, but it seems obvious.
You keep refusing to be a ‘full time’ working royal ( yeah, right, full time, but that’s for another day), you look awkward and – lets be frank – like a bit of a fanny on those stilted formal occasions when you’re required to interact in front of the cameras. It’s not really your fault – who want’s to be an over groomed establishment stooge surrounded by obsequious thickos ? Apart from Gary Barlow.
The monarchy, you believe, was inadvertently responsible for the death of your mum.
Lots of women meet their boyfriend’s in Paris. But not many of them get pursued by paparazzi on motorbikes. And the reason that she was pursued was because monarchists – and I’m talking here about the Hello Magazine souvenir edition buyers – have an insatiable appetite for moronic royal pictures. They create the market.
Simpletons who LOVE the monarchy are a bit like the people who go to see killer whales in captivity – because they say they LOVE animals.
You’ve been born into a golden freakshow. It’s horrible. 250 photographers turned up on your first day at school. Creepy long lens photography of your wife topless. Simply by being part of the monarchy, you & your family are a target for terrorist attack. You can’t express an opinion, you can’t move without bodyguards, you can’t hide. You joked you wanted to be an astronaut, but of course, you can’t. Because it’s decreed, you’re going to be in the glare of the spotlight your whole life, scrutinized, ridiculed, criticised, fawned over. The role is directionless, dumb, and damaging to you, to the uk, to the saddos who adore it…
What’s worse is, the same rigid insufferable fate awaits your kids. When Georgey-Porgy plays with a fire-engine and says he’d like to be a fireman do you say, son, actually you’ll be a symbol of an entrenched establishment with your every move choreographed in case of criticism? Oh, and you’ll have no privacy ever…
Monarchy is all to blame.
So, be brave. Walk away. You have to choose to go, you can’t just hope.
Say you have no desire to be a prancing Toff Pony at the centre of a snobby, bloodline obsessed feudal circus. It’ll be the last statement you’ll ever have to give to the press. Ever.
There’ll be a big storm to be sure, a few rough months…. but in a few years, you could be living in California, ignoring the media and George & Mildred ( maybe? ) can grow up skateboarding, getting tattoos, smoking dope, and talking shite without tabloid lenses. They’ll be safe. You’ll be rich. The monarchy can go fuck itself.
I am a republican and would enjoy the whole thing being in chaos. But that’s not why you should do it. You should do it cause you’ll be happier.
One day we can all sit round drinking a few cans of Kestrel, sharing a joint with George and his new boyfriend, and laugh at the idiocy of it all ( then you can give me all my tax money back )